


Desiderium

by KatieTaylor



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Diary/Journal, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 15:08:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3814969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatieTaylor/pseuds/KatieTaylor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scully's journal and the effects of her death</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Desiderium

**Author's Note:**

> (Original header and end notes. It's interesting to see how I've progressed since I started writing fan fic back in the 90s. All I've done to these pieces is fix typos and formatting.)
> 
> Date: 19 Jan 1998 14:40:48 GMT  
> DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere!  
> SPOILER WARNING: seasons 1-4  
> RATING: G   
> CONTENT WARNING: MSR/death  
> SUMMARY: Scully's journal and the effects of her death
> 
> Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never did, and never will. the end.

He was finally home. He usually loved being on the road--it wasn't like he had a whole lot around his apartment to make him want to stay for a long period of time. But this trip was different.

Scully hadn't been with him.

She had become sick and been relieved of her duties. He hadn't wanted to go. What if she had need him while he was away? If she had--he choked on the thought. What if she died while he was away? Surely someone would have called him back. Mrs. Scully was sure to, if Skinner hadn't. But there had been no phone call.

Thinking back, he guessed no one would have been too disappointed if he hadn't gone, but Mulder had made the mistake of consulting with Scully, who had, of course, insisted everything was fine and he should go. He would go to the bottom of the ocean to get her a pearl if she had asked him to. Anything for her.

As if someone had been outside his apartment, waiting with a cellular phone for him to return, the phone in his apartment began ringing as he stepped thorough the door. For a moment, he contemplated not answering it, but changed his mind. He sprinted to answer it before the person on the other end hung up.

But when he picked up the receiver and answered in his usual manner, he wondered if they had done just that. Fox heard no dial tone, but neither did he hear anything else. Then he head her voice, as he was about to hang up, only slightly one notch above inaudible.

"Fox?"

"Dana? Are you all right?"

"I need you to come here." He didn't need any more persuading. Mulder dropped the receiver, the cord dangling to the floor and raced out the open door, almost forgetting to close it behind him.

?X?X?X?X

Fox Mulder ran in to her apartment. How he had driven across town was a mystery to him, blind to the speed-limits, road signs, stop light. A war could have been raging in the streets around him and he wouldn't have noticed.

He should have been here. Scully needed him. She sounded so weak on the phone. Mulder had never, ever thought of her as weak, in fact, she was much stronger than he was. When he arrived at her apartment, the door was ajar. He pushed it open and cautiously stepped inside.

"Scully?" He heard no answer and called her name again as he walked toward her bedroom. Mulder opened the door and, seeing her laying in her bed, eyes closed, pale face, raced to her side.

"Dana?" He asked, kneeling by her side. Her eyes opened and she smiled at him, only a small smile--almost a slow twitch of the corner of her mouth, really--saving her strength for other things.

"Fox--" Mulder took her hand in his. She felt cold.

"Dana, I'm sorry, I never should have gone." If she had the strength, he knew she would have smiled again.

"Don't be silly," she said weakly. Then she was serious. "I've been waiting for you to came back. There's something on my desk for you." She motioned with her free hand in the direction of her desk. He started to get up, and she wrapped her fingers tighter around his hand, "No," she said when he turned to her. "Later. When I'm gone."

"Gone?" he said, under his breath, as he slowly resumed his position on the floor beside her. She nodded once, slowly.

"I'll take you to the hospital." He suggested frantically. Anything to keep her with him.

"No. I don't have long left and I want to spend the time with you, not a bunch of doctors." Mulder nodded, kissed her hand, played with her hair. He looked in her now dull blue eyes. Mulder rose and she didn't protest, as if knowing he knew what she wanted him to do.

Fox crossed over to the other side of her bed. He lay beside her and she turned to him and wrapped her arms around him, without much effort, it seemed to him, as if she had been saving all her strength for this moment. Mulder kissed her, gently, restraining himself because she felt so fragile in his arms--wafer thin crystal, already weak in places from continuous beatings, threatening to shatter if touch in the wrong spot. Dana didn't seem to care about how fragile or weak she was, though. She pressed against him harder, kissing him with everything she had. Every fibre of her being. The only reason she stopped was that her body refused to let her continue.

"Fox, I love you." She said, looking into his hazel eyes--concern (are you all right?); regret at things, like that, not said, paths not taken; pain; knowing he would have to live without her forever. Another person ripped from his life. She felt guilty for putting him thorough that again, but knew if she said as much, he would tell her not to be.

"I love you too, Dana." Reading her was much more simple. Love for him, but sorrow for leaving him alone. But no fear of the unknown. Her eyes showed no hint that she was in pain.

"Will you hold me until the end?" she asked him. He nodded. Mulder hoped that the end would never come, and they would lay like this, holding each other until the end of time.

Or that they would at least have a few hours. But only a few minutes later, Fox suddenly felt empty. Like someone had ripped his heart out, but at the same time, felt a wave of pure love wash over him. As if love was tangible: a sea blue blanket that Dana had wrapped around him to protect him from the cold; or a fiery lantern, lighting his way through the eternal night that was life without her. His gut wrenched as he realized what that meant.

Her eyes were closed and he no longer felt her breath on his face like he had moments before. He squeezed her body against his, no longer worried about breaking the fragile crystal. It had already shattered into a million pieces along with his life, all the hopes and dreams he had ever dared to dream since he had met her.

"Don't do this! Don't leave me. Please. Don't die, you can't die." A little quieter. "I can't live without you." But he knew she wouldn't answer. She was gone, forever. Life without Dana. Work without Scully. He didn't know how he would go on with either, but knew he had to try. For her. She would want it that way.

Fox Mulder wept. Whispered her name over and over again. Their bodies shook with his sobs. Wondering why God hadn't taken him instead. He had never felt so empty, so utterly hopeless, so alone. Not even when Sam was taken. There had been, and still was, that chance, though slim, that he would find her safe and sound. But Dana was dead, and nothing would bring her back. It was a long time before he release her, laid her back carefully the bed and called her mother.


	2. Chapter 2

Mulder was home now. Margaret Scully had come to her daughter's apartment soon as he had called. After he had put the phone down, he went to her bedside to look at her one last time. Say good-bye. As he walked to the desk and found the manila envelope with his name written on it, he briefly hoped Scully's mother didn't bring her sons with her, but he knew he couldn't have asked that of her.

Margaret Scully arrived, alone. They embraced for a long time before he left her, looking back into the apartment one last time.

Mulder thought of Mrs. Scully for a moment. The poor woman had lost so much in such a short space of time. Her husband. Melissa. Dana. 

Dana... He shook the forming thought away and reached for the envelope on his desk. He held it in his hands for a long time, staring at Scully's writing.

It was a long time before he could open the package. Her gold cross fell into his lap. He picked up and turned it over and over in his hand. He stared at it for a long time. The last time he had been in possession of the cross had been when she was abducted. It had given him strength then--when he thought all he had had been taken away from him along with her. As if she had left it behind to help him through her absence. Like she had this time. Only this time, he would never be giving it back. Slowly, he put it around his neck and turned him attention back to the contents of the package.

The only other item in the envelope was a small black hard cover notebook, but before he could open it, there was a knock at his door. He took a deep breath, trying to gather himself together before opening the door. Assistant Director Skinner was on the other side.

"Sir," Mulder said, shocked. "Did you want to come in?" Skinner walked through the doorway as Mulder stepped aside. "Did you want anything to drink?" Skinner hardly ever made house calls, and even though Mulder felt as if a bomb had gone off in his chest, he felt he should be a good host. He scolded himself for thinking of work at this time, but Skinner was on his side now, and he wanted to keep it that way.

"Mrs. Scully just called me," the AD informed him. "I thought I should come by and see you."

"I'm fine, Sir." He was lying. He knew it, and he was sure Skinner knew it, too. Skinner looked at him sternly as he took a seat in Mulder's arm chair. Mulder sat on the couch.

"I just came by to tell you to take as much time off as you need." A short pause, then: "Scully was a good person. We'll all miss her." 

"Sir, she was only my part--"

"Mulder, you don't have to pull that crap with me. I know you thought of her as more than just a partner, or even a friend." _Because that's how I thought of her._ The next part hard for him to acknowledge, even though he knew it to be true. "And she felt the same way about you." After a few moments, Mulder nodded once and Skinner let himself out, leaving Mulder on the couch, staring at the journal.

?X?X?X?X

_I don't know how to start this, or even what I want to say. All I know is that I need to write this. And I need to write this to you, Mulder. I wish I had realized before this that I needed to tell you everything. I'm sorry for waiting until, the end--because that's when you'll read this--to tell you. Guess I'm not as strong as you thought I was. I hope you can forgive me._

_Since I found out nothing could help me through this illness--nothing would make me better, I had only one wish. It wasn't to find a miracle cure, or that my cancer would go into remission, or even that I would live even a little longer than the doctors estimated. I could have died the next day and I wouldn't have cared if only I had my wish: to die in your arms._

_I hope my wish came true--I hope I did in the warmth of your arms, the two of us lying on my bed in my apartment. This notebook and my cross waiting for you on my desk. Not surrounded by strange doctors or a cold hospital bed, tube and wires and--_

_I can't even think about that right now._

_I wish it didn't have to be this way for us. Us. It's funny that it's only now that I say the word with this meaning behind it. So many hopes. So many wishes. Too many, do you think for a woman who will soon be dead? Let's see. If I wasn't going to die, what would I wish for?_

_I would wish for your happiness. Sometimes I wonder if you are truly happy. And perhaps we could be happy together? I suppose my ultimate dream would be for us to be together. And maybe we would have children? You will be a great father. But my main wish is still for you to be happy, so if I wasn't dying, and you found someone else to make you happy, I could handle that, I would gladly give up my own happiness for yours._

_But this is totally different. I hope my wanting to be with you for the end doesn't make you hurt more. I'm not scared of dying. I'm just a little concerned with the pain that will probably go along with it. But I can endure it, looking forward to the day when I can finally be in your arms._

_I just had a thought. When that day comes, what if you refuse to hold me? I'm sure I'll be weak and very unattractive. No. You wouldn't do that. You're the strongest, more caring person I've ever met. No one's ever treated me as good as you have. When I'm around you, you give me a strength I never knew I had. A strength to help me endure all the things we've been through in the X-Files. And when my father & Missy died, part of the reason I went back to work so soon was that I needed your strength,  
your comforting words and touch, just _you _to help me through those times._

_Perhaps that's why I need you there at the end. To give me strength and courage--not to go through with it, because, obviously, I don't' have a choice--but to not be scared of what will happen. And when I tell you I love you, maybe you'll tell me you love me too, because I know you do. You've never been able to hide anything from me. I know you do, but I would like to finally hear the words so I really know. For all I know, my own feelings have been in the way, and I've only imagined your looks, the way you touch me and say my name. Or perhaps I've been misunderstanding them all this time. perhaps you'd be like that with any other female partner. I hope not. I hope I'm right._


	3. Chapter 3

_You are, Scully,_ Mulder thought to himself. _I can't believe I was capable of so much love, but I guess I am, because I feel all of this for you. I wish, like you that we could have said something to each other . . . before._

Mulder put the book down. He needed a break from it. A break from her writing, her words, her wishes. He also needed a break from his feelings, and his pain, but knew that wouldn't happen. Even as he walked to the kitchenette to get a drink, her words played thorough his head. Her last seconds. Even if he wanted to read on, he couldn't. His vision was blurred from the tears. There was a knock at his door and Mulder reluctantly answered it.

"Mrs. Scully," He stood aside and let her in. "Please come in." After they had sat, he asked, "Can I get you something?" 

"Margaret, please. What are you drinking?"

"Scotch."

"Sounds good." He got her drink and wondered, as she took it from him, why she was here. They had seen each other before he left Dana's apartment and, frankly, hadn't expected to ever see her again.

"How are your sons?" He asked.

"I don't know. After they took her away, I came here." Mulder was shocked that she hadn't gone straight home to be with her family.

"Margaret, why are you here, and not with your family?" She seemed to think about that for a moment.

"I don't really know. I just knew I should come here. You were the only one who really understood her, who loved her unconditionally. I mean, the boys loved her, obviously, but by the end, they only seemed to be critical of her. First she decided to go into the FBI instead of practice medicine. Then, she seemed happy in the X-Files, and they couldn't understand why she would want to stay there when it was obviously ruining her career. When she lost faith in the church, they couldn't accept that she had changed. They blamed you. And when the found out she was going to die, they tried to be supportive, but all they could talk about was how she had ruined her life."

"They are--were just looking out for her." He could tell she wanted to say something else about it, but decided to drop it. 

Instead, she said, "the funeral will by the day after tomorrow. Will you be there?"

"I don't know. I--"

"Please, Fox. She knew you wouldn't want to go, or feel you shouldn't. She told me to tell you she wants you to be there." He waited a moment before answering.

"I'll think about it."

"We didn't think she'd make it until you came home. Dana was waiting for you. She told me she couldn't die without seeing you again."

"I wish you had called me."

"She didn't want me to. I think if she knew she couldn't wait, she would have called you."

"I should have stayed." Margaret smiled and placed her hand on his should, and then left. He picked up the book again.

?X?X?X?X

_I'm sorry for leaving you. I know you must be in a lot of pain, and it makes me sad to know that I'll be the cause of it. I don't know what to expect. Perhaps I'm with you right now, watching you read this. Can you feel me near? Perhaps one day I'll watch you play with your children._

_I know I'm going on and on. You're probably going to get totally depressed, but that's not why I've written this--I wrote it just so you'd know. I've written all this and still haven't successfully conveyed to you how I really feel about you. I could write a thousand pages and not be able to tell you._

_I was so excited to be assigned to work with you, because I had heard so much about you. Perhaps it was just because of your reputation, one last act of rebellion. But something drew me to you. Basically, 'they' wanted me to de-bunk your work, although they didn't like to call it that exactly. When I first started working with you, I thought to myself, how can I possibly de-bunk this man's work? He's so passionate about it. It's his life, everything he believes. As it turned out, even if I wanted to, I didn't have the facts to be able to do it._

_I think that was the first think that drew me to you: your deep devotion, passion. I think the second thing was your deep love for your sister and that your life revolved around finding her. I wish you had, to relive you of at least one of your burdens. I listened to your hypnotic regression tapes. My gut wrenched at your pain, I wish I could have helped you._

_Once, just after we started working together, I told my friend Ellen that I thought you were 'cute' (although 'cute' isn't the work I'd use now, I think, smiling to myself!) Anyway, one day she brought this back up, when I was saying there were no men in my life. But then it was too soon and I didn't know how you felt. Then, when I did know, I thought it was too late, and then it really was too late--I was dying._

_Then there was that time in the Arctic with that prehistoric worm thingy. (Sometimes it makes me laugh when I think of all those weird creatures we've encountered, you and I). I probably didn't have to be nearly as thorough as I was, but having you there, and we were alone, I just wanted you to take me in your arms and tell me everything would be fine--even if it probably wouldn't._

_I couldn't get over the fact that I was actually jealous when Phoebe showed up. I mean, you were a free man, but somewhere deep down, I couldn't help but think you felt the same way I did, and that told me you felt nothing of the sort._

_The first time I was certain how you felt about me was when my father died. You didn't tell me I should go back to work, and when I did, you didn't tell me I should go back home. My brothers did. They thought I was being disrespectful by going back to work so soon. But you didn't, or at least, you didn't convey that message. You were just there, passing your strength onto me like I wish I could have done for you more often._

_You were angry with me for believing Boggs, but only because you were concerned about me. In that hotel room I told you I loved my job, but I was actually telling you I loved you. I couldn't say the words, not then. Perhaps I thought you wouldn't believe, think it was because I was stricken with grief, which I was, but it was still the truth. Then I saw you on the hospital table, convulsing, and I wished I had told you be cause I was sure you were going to die. You were the only thing holding me together and you  
might leave me, too. I couldn't have handled that. I freaked and I threatened him. Even recovering in your hospital room, you were still there, passing on your strength. I should have told you how I felt after, but I didn't and that time it was cowardice._

_When the X-Files was shut down, I was only upset for you. Because it was your work. What you loved. I was upset for me only because we were being reassigned--separated and I thought I would never see you again. I mean, we weren't friends 'per se'. Not the kind that just dropped in on each other._

_I remember waking up in the hospital room and you bursting in all flustered and concerned. I don't remember anything about my abduction--nothing I readily want to believe, anyway. It was then that I saw in your eyes that you knew what I had known for a long time, you knew you loved me too. It should have been then. We should have told each other that moment, even if my mother was in the room. But I guess we can't turn back the clock._

_I always pretend and try to act to strong. Like I can handle any gruesome thing the X-Files throws at me. Sometimes I can't, but you're always there, and you never make me feel weak or like a wimp. You silent strength help me through everything._

_When Melissa was killed, I felt it was my fault, for a time. I was especially hard for me because the bullet was meant for me. I should have been the one to die. And I had wished I had. But you were there for me. Even though you had just lost your father, you were there for me. I thank you for that. I wish I could have been there for you more--both in the past, and the future that will never happen._

_Then I found out about this. I hated telling you I was so afraid of what your reaction would be. But like always, you were there. Even though I knew you wanted to be upset, angry. So much had been taken from you--so many people close to you--and now this._

_Thank-you. Thank-you for your strength, and support. And love. Most of all for that. And for just being there. Whether I needed you or not. That wasn't right. I've always needed you. You know what I mean._

_I was hoping to fill this whole book, but I'm getting very tired. It's getting very hard to do this for any length of time. I hope it satisfies your thirst for knowledge, though I don't think it will, because it hasn't satisfied me any._

_Please don't feel there was anything you could have done for me. That you failed. The only thing you could have done for me was be there for me. And you were. I can't say thank-you enough for that. I know this is tearing you apart inside. It tears me apart to know that you'll be alone. My heart breaks every time I think of the lost opportunities. The lost moment we could have spent together because of my silence. I always knew that I would have to be the one to say it first. Because you are always a little too cautious when it come to your own feelings. Your own happiness._

_I know you're probably thinking you don't want to go to my funeral or that you shouldn't go because you don't think you belong there. You belong there. I love you and you love me and that's why you belong there. Besides, I think my mother would really like it if you went. You need someone to be there for you. I hope you can find someone to be your strength. Like you were for me. I know this probably isn't the best way I could have ended this, but I need to lie down and you should be back soon._

_I love you, and I hope you know that. Don't ever stop searching for the truth, or Sam, or your happiness. You'll find them all again. I know you will._

_Love Forever;  
Dana_


	4. Chapter 4

Mulder knew all she had tried to get across to him in the pile of pages. Not because of what she had written--she was right, she could have written him a thousand pages without properly conveying her message. She had conveyed it all to him in the moments before she died. The surge of love she had sent him. He couldn't put into a thought, let alone write it down on paper. Just an overwhelming sense of love. Knowing it was there and the magnitude of it.

He put the small book down on the coffee table. It was nine o'clock in the morning. Dana had died less than 12 hours before. Fox couldn't believe he had lasted all this time. Twelve hours without her felt like eternity and he didn't know how he could go on the years and decades without her. She had said he would find happiness again, even find someone else to love, and have children. He couldn't see that happening. Not now. Fox couldn't be happy with anyone other than Scully.

He somehow managed to change his clothes and made it to his office. He sat at his desk and looked over to Dana's. Of course, she wasn't there and never would be. Mulder didn't how he did it, but he stayed there the whole day. First doing meaningless paperwork on the case, then he found a box and started putting her things in it to give to her mother. Then he found the key chain.

The Apollo 11 key chain he had given her for her birthday. He had hardly given her anything over the years and her last gift had been a damn key chain? He'd failed. She'd said he hadn't, but she had been talking about saving her life. Mulder had failed her in other ways. He grasped the trinket tightly in his hands, and slid to the floor in front of her desk. He couldn't keep the tears away. He let them come freely.

He didn't know how long he'd been sitting on the floor. Tears soaking his white shirt, the key chain cutting into his hand because he'd been clenching it so tightly. But when he went upstairs to Skinner's office, the box of her things in his arm, Apollo 11 in his pocket, it was dark outside.

Skinner had gone home hours ago, his secretary, who Mulder had stopped on her way out, told him. Wouldn't be in tomorrow; going to a friend's funeral. Got to run, hot date, you know. Good night!

?X?X?X

Fox Mulder stood beside a tree, apart from the rest of the mourners at the burial ceremony. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to be alone with his pain. He had never needed anyone until Dana had come along, and if he couldn't have her to comfort him, he didn't want anyone.

But she wanted him to be here, so here he was. And Margaret wanted him here and she had lost so much that Mulder wanted to try and help ease her pain. He would do anything Dana asked him to. Almost. She wanted him to live a long and happy life. Find someone new. He didn't know if he could do that, not even for her. All he wanted to do was die and be with her forever.

Mulder still wore her cross and as people started to leave the grave yard, he slipped it beneath his shirt. The only people in the large he recognized were Margaret and her sons and Skinner. He knew there were some other agents there as well. Friends or co-workers from Quantico, perhaps. He knew them from their standard tell-tale FBI trench coats. Margaret was the last to leave. She came up to Mulder, beside the tree, wiping tears from her cheeks.

"Will you come to the house?" He waited a moment, his eyes still glued to Scully's coffin, then he nodded once. Mrs. Scully smiled sadly and left, leaving Fox and Dana alone.

Fox walked slowly to the coffin and knelt beside it. He thought he had no more tears left, that he had shed them all the night before in their office, but still more came. When the tears and shaking of his body ceased enough for him to speak, he asked the god that she believed in why He had taken Dana and not himself. She had never done anything wrong. HE was the one who deserved to be in the cold, wooden crate, and her with her family. He closed his eyes and kissed the coffin, imagining the cold, hard  
wood was her warm, soft skin, and the smell of the grass on the autumn breeze was the smell of her soap and perfume. 

Finally, almost against his will, he stood up, walked to his car and drove to Mrs. Scully's house not far away. He took a deep breath before stepping out of the far, box in hand, and into the open house. Mulder made his way quickly to Margaret and gave her Scully's box. She said thank-you and that she was glad he had come. Mulder fixed himself a drink and stood in the corner, watching the other people give condolences to each other.

No one offered him any. He'd lost more than any of these people. They had lost a friend, or a co-worker, or a long-lost relative. Bill Jr. and His brother had lost a sister. He knew how that felt, but it was nothing compared to this, and they hadn't had the chance to save her and failed like he had with his sister. The only person who had lost more than he was Dana's mother. Now she had lost her husband, and two daughters. Mulder had lost his life and no one cared.

After everyone had talked to Margaret, she approached him. "Fox, thank-you for bringing her things." He noticed her look at his neck and when he looked down, he found he had been twirling Dana's cross in his fingers without realizing it. He started to take it off to give to her, but Margaret stopped his hands with her own. "No, Fox. You keep it. I gave it to you when she was missing, and I want you to keep it now. Besides, I know she gave it to you. If she didn't want you to have it, she wouldn't have given it to you."

"Thank-you." Mulder choked out.

"Would you sit with me?" He nodded and they moved to her sofa. Some of the mourners had already started to leave.

He noticed she had started crying and took her in his arms, but didn't say anything. Would could he say? The woman had lost so much in the last four years. Much more than he had lost. He knew where Dana got her strength from. Her sobs eased and after a few minutes, she slowly pulled away.

"I'm sorry, Fox."

"There's no need to be, Mrs. Scully."

"Yes, there is. I have a lot of people I can turn to. But you've lost a lot as well, and you've no one to turn to. I came over here to try and help you and here I am crying."

"It's all right. I want to help you." She smiled.

"I can tell what my daughter saw in you, Fox, even if her brothers can't. Thank-you." Margaret smiled again and they stood.

"I think I'll leave now." She nodded and he turn towards the door.


	5. EPILOGUE

Fox Mulder sat on his couch, feet on the coffee table next to his gun which had been there since he returned home after Scully had died in his arms, and the key chain which he had taken out of his pocket and thrown down when he got home from Mrs. Scully's. A bottle of Scotch was in his hand. He decided not to bother with a glass. With every swallow of the alcohol, he got more and more angry.

How could Scully say she loved him and then torture him like this? She didn't want him to die. She wanted him to live a long and happy life. But he didn't want to. He wanted to die and end the pain. And maybe he would be lucky and his afterlife would consist of eternity with her. Then he got angry with himself for being angry with her. She was dead. Scully hadn't done anything wrong, except ask him to live, knowing he would do anything she asked. And then he got angry with her god for killing her.

Mulder threw the now empty glass bottle against the wall and watched it shatter and rain down to the floor in a million pieces. Shattered. Like Dana. Like his life. The sound of it was like the sound of his heart breaking at the prospect of life without Scully.

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes: Well, nobody has politely asked me not to post any more of my stories after The Truth and The Light, so here's another one.
> 
> Desiderium is Latin for a wish or longing.


End file.
